I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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