I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
