I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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