No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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