They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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