i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
