better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Princesses don't give blow jobs
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
