If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
