you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
