I will die if light touches me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
