should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
