She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
