then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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