So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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