I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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