I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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