in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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