Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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