I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize