Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
