The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
