Soap is not a condiment
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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