I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Girls should come with a carfax report
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
