I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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