If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
