I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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