After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
