I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
