Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
