Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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