Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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