some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
