Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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