East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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