i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
