I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
