This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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