Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
