you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
smell my finger.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
