the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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