I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
