My balls are so social today.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
