Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
