dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
