I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
