How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Mom said you looked used
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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