Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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