You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
