You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Randomize
