I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize