my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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