this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize