There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
