ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
