"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
