i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
