Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
