Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
