a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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