Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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