I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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