singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
