420 ftw
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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