I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
