Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
