I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
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