should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
