I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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