I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
