were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
