He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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